38

I turned 38 years of age last month. I can't recall a time in my life that I have ever felt more insecure about myself and abilities. When I was younger as a graphic artist or caseworker or even when I first graduated seminary, I was occasionally nervous but always felt up to the task. I'm just lost and tired these days wondering if I belong anywhere. Funny how this feels particularly pronounced after being at the Great Lakes Conference Ministerial Association Annual Meeting. There are a bunch of great pastors in this conference who are kicking ass and taking names for the Kingdom of God. And then there's me ... you know what they say about leaders with no one following? They're just taking a walk. I think I expected more of myself by now. I'm not exactly sure what, but I think I imagined that the ministries I led grew huge. I used to have really huge vision for planting churches from northern New York to the west side of Cleveland. Now, I just envision getting through the day. I've been wondering if this is just a stage of life thing. I know this guy in ministry in his early 20's who overflows in cockiness. You can't teach him a damn thing. I remember being like that. One time I knew it all too and now the only thing I am sure of is that I don't know jack. I wonder if someone out there remembers being like me when they were 38. Will it ever get better? Well, enough whining for tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be really great.